Monday, June 23, 2008

The Correspondence

From: Peter Smithson
To: Nathan Himes
Subject: Happy Monday!

Dear Nate-the-Great,
Not that I need to remind you buddy, but this is going to be a most busy week. An initial report for the Chester account is due Wednesday and I’m going to need you to redraft your charts. Basically, a pie chart with only two sections looks a tad dull. So, what I’d like is for you to redo them as bar graphs. Thanks buddy.
Speaking of bars, hope you didn’t get too drunk this weekend, lol. We don’t need another situation like last Monday, with you all hungover and slurping down a whole pot of coffee. That coffee’s for the whole office, buddy. Lol. Any-who, good luck with those graphs.

From: Nathan Himes
To: Peter Smithson
Subject: Crappy Monday

Dear Peter,
I’m a full grown man. Call me Nathan. Call me Nate. But kill this Nate-the-Great shit. You sound like my grandfather.
The Chester account is not my department. While you may be my superior, any graphs constructed were done only as a personal favor, not a professional duty. I gave you pie charts because I figured a fellow as portly as yourself would have an easier time relating to something that looked edible. My mistake. I’ve got my own work to do here. Any changes you need, make them yourself.
Finally, as you know corporate can read all company e-mails. Therefore, I’d prefer you didn’t speculate when it comes to my weekend activities. I’m sure the higher ups might frown upon my off-hours drinking, just as they might frown upon the bottle of cheap whiskey in the bottom drawer of your desk. Oops, I forgot they can read our e-mails. Sorry. Lol.
Very Truly Yours,

From: Peter Smithson
To: Nathan Himes
Subject: Sincere Apologies

Dear Nate,
I’m so, so sorry you took offense to the nickname. I assure you, it was meant only as a show of affection. However, since we're on the subject, I’d appreciate if you referred to me as Mr. Smithson, or simply Boss in all future communications.
While the Chester account is not technically your responsibility, as your supervisor I have full authority to delegate tasks. So if I tell you I want a bar graph, give me a goddamn bar graph.
To conclude this correspondence, whatever’s stored in my desk is entirely my business. Just as whatever’s stored in your desk, such as a huge pile of condoms, is entirely your business. And whatever happens to those condoms, such as their tendency to disappear each time your secretary frequents your office, well that’s your business too. Certainly not any of my business. And certainly not any of the higher ups’ business. And certainly, certainly not any of your wife’s business.
With respect and admiration,
Boss Smithson

From: Nathan Himes
To: Peter Smithson
Subject: Blow Me

Dear Captain Douche Bag,
First, in all future communications, please refer to me as King Himes: Master of Pie Charts. Or better yet, don’t refer to me at all.
Next, with respect to the Chester account, you can turn your bar graphs sideways and shove them up your fat ass. Be careful though, I wouldn’t want you to incur any brain damage.
And lastly, I’d like to clear things up with regards to the interoffice romance referenced in your previous e-mail. Not that I owe you an explanation. As you may be aware, everything a man does, he does with one goal in mind. That goal, of course, being pussy. Some men prefer sporadic, varied pussy. Other men, frequent and familiar pussy.
For example, one man might use his position of authority to diversify his pussy intake. By the same account, another man might embezzle a little cash so his wife doesn’t leave his pathetic, overweight ass. Thus stabilizing his flow of commonplace pussy. That being said, mention the secretary situation to my wife and I’ll choke you to death with your stupid fucking Tweety Bird necktie.
Love you lots,
Mr. Nathan Himes

From: Martin Shaw
To: Peter Smithson
Cc: Nathan Himes
Subject: Urgent

Dear Misters Smithson and Himes,
I would very much like to see you both in my office as soon as possible. Feel free to bring your secretaries and/or whiskey bottles with you. While you will soon have little need for the former, the latter may provide some consolation.
Many thanks,
Martin Shaw
President, Shaw Analysts Group


Tony Hart said...

Haha, I love the wit. Funny how e-mails get outa hand

Ryan Imel said...

Fucking brilliant. Thanks for that.

Terra Stone said...

That was hilarious. Loved it! Keep it up!

Leroy J. Powers said...

I imagined a similar conversation between me and by boss. Good times!

Mike G said...

Definitely one of the better things i've read here. Pretty funny, and perfect for my work day. The ending was a bit cliche. I'd like a message from someone completely random saying the "reply all" feature is not to be abused or something else.

Tristan said...

Yeah, the Reply All feature could be a good segway to a more complicated "plot." This could be expanded into a much larger story that way and I think it could be very interesting...

Anyway, good job. It was entertaining.

panda said...

The "reply all" idea is the most cliche ending was on an episode of like, the office.

Anonymous said...

it was on the office. i like this - awesome.

Autumn Renae Rays said...

Not bad. Not bad at all. The perfect combination between wit, sarcasm, and corporate satire.